Healthy Healing After a Breakup: A Therapist’s Personal Journey and Professional Insights

Written by Andra Escobar

Here I am, standing at the beginning of the end, coming to terms with the reality that the relationship I once believed would last forever didn’t even make it through a couple of spins around the sun. How could that be? How is it that a one-in-a-million connection, the kind you think will defy all odds, just... doesn’t last?

How To Heal After a Breakup

As a practicing psychotherapist, I am not immune to heartbreak. I have had to learn how to heal after a breakup and apply the same self-soothing techniques I teach my clients. I always begin by practicing what I preach—validating myself and reminding myself that the qualities I bring to relationships are unique and valuable.

But here I was, helping clients navigate the traumatic endings of their relationships—I couldn’t help but wonder,  “How can I be a therapist helping these clients when I still struggle with my own emotions and the mistakes I keep making in my personal healing journey? “

The truth is, seeing them thrive as they navigate interpersonal issues and finding self-love is incredibly inspiring to me.

No one is immune to emotions. Even therapists aren’t immune to attachment issues or relationship struggles. Our attachment styles inevitably surface, and until we fully understand and process them from beginning to end, we’ll remain clouded by them. Healing is not just for our clients; it’s something we too must constantly work toward, mistakes and all…

The Dream We Hold On To: Acknowledging Its Importance

First, let’s talk a little about what a "dream relationship" really means. We all have our own vision of what we want in a partner, of the life we imagine building with them. But here's the thing—sometimes, it's not the person themselves that's hurting you. It's the meaning you’ve attached to the relationship. The idea of what the relationship was supposed to be. It's not just him or her or them that you're grieving. It's the image, the narrative you've created in your mind about this relationship- the hope that this person would be "the one."

When you were with them, you believed in it wholeheartedly. You thought, "this is perfect, they have everything I want." You poured your heart into them, convinced that this was yours forever. But now, as you sit here in the aftermath of a breakup, you're starting to realize that maybe they weren’t who you thought they were. Or, if you’re anything like me—an anxious attachment style kind of Gal—you stayed in denial, clinging to hope for as long as you could, convincing yourself that maybe it was just bad timing and that they'll change.

The Rollercoaster of Grief: Where the Breakup Journey Begins

Grief is not a neat, orderly process. It’s more like a wild rollercoaster ride, where each twist and turn pulls you through a range of emotions, often unexpectedly. Let’s break down the stages of grief and how they can feel after a breakup.

Shock and Denial

Denial is the first stage, where you refuse to accept the reality of the loss. People may live in denial for months, even years! Your inner dialogue might tell you, "Maybe it’s not really over, maybe they'll change their mind, or perhaps they'll change who they are." If you’re feeling this way, it might be time to seek out a therapist to help you remove those rose-colored goggles and really dig into the relationship.

Therapy can shed light on all those red flags you ignored, how your values weren’t aligned, how your needs weren't being met, and where the other person wasn’t pulling their weight.

Were they truly making you happy? Or were your needs always sidelined? Often, through therapy, you begin to see that no amount of waiting or hoping could’ve changed the outcome—sometimes people just can't meet your needs because of their own unresolved issues, or vice versa.

Anger

Next comes anger, and trust me, it can be intense. You may feel frustration, even rage—directed at the other person, at yourself, or at the situation. In therapy, we focus on unpacking that anger instead of pushing it away or distracting ourselves from it.

Journaling can be a powerful tool here, helping you process those emotions instead of letting them build up. By checking in weekly, we can explore where this anger is coming from and work through it—because it’s something you need to deal with before you can get to true acceptance.

Bargaining

Ah, bargaining—the stage where your mind starts spinning in circles, trying to find ways to reverse or lessen the pain. "What if I had just done this differently?" or "If only they could see how much I love them." This is also the stage where blame and shame kick into high gear, and many people are tempted to reach out for that second chance. But here's the thing: bargaining is just another way of avoiding the reality of the situation. It’s crucial to recognize when you're stuck in this stage so you can begin to move forward.

Depression

When the bargaining doesn't work, and the reality of the loss sets in, you might find yourself sinking into depression—a deep sadness that feels inescapable. This can happen if you avoid processing your emotions fully.

This is where therapists come in to help. We can work together in therapy to navigate those heavy feelings and ensure you’re not left floundering. Without proper processing, that sadness can become really overwhelming, and it’s important to stay mindful of your emotions during this stage. Think of therapy as having a trusted guide by your side as you work through the waves of sadness, helping you stay elevated and find your way back to life.

Acceptance

Finally, we arrive at acceptance. This is where you begin to make peace with what happened and accept that life will move forward without the relationship. It's not that you're over it or no longer feel the pain—it’s just that you’ve reached a place where you can live with it and start thinking about your future again. This stage is the last stop before you can truly thrive, and guess what? You will get there.

Secondary Grief: Why We Can’t Just Let Go

When a relationship or marriage ends, it’s easy to think that the primary loss is the only thing we need to deal with. However, many of us experience something deeper—secondary grief. This type of grief encompasses the multitude of losses that come alongside the end of a significant relationship, making it feel like we’re mourning several things at once.

For example, there is grief over future plans. After a breakup, you can find yourself mourning the life you had imagined with that person.

These secondary losses can often feel just as intense as the primary loss, if not more so. It’s essential to acknowledge that these feelings are valid and to give yourself the space to grieve not only the relationship but also everything that came with it.

Licking Your Wounds: Self-Soothing in the Cocoon

In the early stages of healing, it’s all about self-soothing. This is the time to nurture yourself, much like an animal licking its wounds to promote recovery. Spend time in your cocoon, sending love and kindness to yourself and giving permission to rest, grieve, and process your emotions.

Allow grief attacks or memories to surface. It’s natural for these waves to hit unexpectedly. Remind yourself that healing is not a linear process. Set realistic expectations—this might not be the year you "get over it," but it can be the year you begin to grow through it.

Stepping into the Sunlight: Coming Out of Your Shell

When the time feels right, step out of your shell. Start seeking moments of light, whether that’s reconnecting with nature, picking up an old hobby, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee in the sunlight while imagining a fresh start. These small steps are milestones in reclaiming your joy.

This is also the phase to practice detachment. Whether it’s from the pain, people, or patterns that no longer serve you, learn to let go. Trusting that letting go makes space for something better to come.

Common Breakup Pitfalls: Tips and Words of Encouragement

The Setback and the Comeback: "I Thought I Was Over It and Had Moved On—How Did I End Up Here Again?"

“ When I first wrote this blog, I thought I had completed my healing journey and was ready to share my insights. But life had other plans—I had to heal all over again. “

Breakups have a way of pulling us into cycles. You might find yourself on the verge of reconciliation or clinging to a sliver of hope that things could work out. Sometimes, you’re lucky enough to let go the first time around, sparing you from further heartache. But even then, that hope can resurface, and when it does, you might feel like you’re back at square one.

Here’s the good news: if you’ve been through this before, you already have the tools.

Healing isn’t linear, and setbacks aren’t failures—they’re part of the process.

Don’t fear the pain. It’s tempting to curl up in your safe space and let sadness overwhelm you, but there’s another choice: to feel the pain and live your life alongside it. Be sad and go to the gym. Be sad and attend that dinner. Be sad and finish your work. Allow yourself to thrive even while you’re hurting.

Pain and happiness can coexist. Embrace the discomfort, the tears, and the breakdowns. They’re part of the journey to a stronger, wiser you.

Thriving, Then Falling Again: What Now?

You’ve been thriving. You’ve healed, regained your confidence, and started to see life from a brighter perspective. But then, out of nowhere, a bump in the road appears. Maybe you hear from your ex. Maybe memories resurface. Suddenly, you’re back in that familiar pain. It feels like you’re starting over.

But this time, things are different.

After no contact, if you find yourself needing to heal again, remind yourself: you’re wiser now. This isn’t a regression; it’s an opportunity to practice what you’ve learned.

Allow the feelings to surface—grieve again if you need to. Acknowledge the emotions, but don’t let them control you. Keep practicing detachment and futuristic thinking. Remember the consequences of reaching out or falling back into old patterns.

The Power of Detachment

Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’ve accepted what is and are choosing to honour your own well-being. When emotions cloud your judgment, take a step back. Reflect on what didn’t work before and use that as your anchor to push through the pain. As I tell my clients:

 “ Your desire to become the strongest and happiest version of yourself must outweigh the sadness you feel from losing the other person. This is the time to detach and focus entirely on yourself. “

“ Stay strong. Stay away, and keep practicing detachment, even when it feels difficult.“

The Good News: This Healing Bump Won’t Last Forever

The good news? If you've experienced a setback in your healing journey, this time it won't take as long to regain the progress you've made. The heartache won’t weigh you down the way it once did, and if it does, it won’t last as long. Don’t be scared or discouraged by this setback. It’s a natural part of healing—a second chance to let go without repeating your mistakes.

If you need to hermit for a few days or weeks, that’s okay. Allow yourself that space. But don’t stay there for too long. When you’re ready, pick up where you left off and keep moving forward.

Running Away From Your Pain Won’t Save You

If you avoid the pain now, it will resurface later. Rebounding, numbing yourself with alcohol, or suppressing your feelings might seem like a quick fix, but these choices only delay the inevitable.

Instead, face your emotions head-on. Journal your thoughts. Sit with your discomfort. Self-soothe in healthy ways. When you look back, you won’t remember the intensity of the pain—you’ll remember the resilience you showed in pushing through.

Rewriting Your Story

Start speaking to yourself as if you’re already the healed version of you—a year from now, looking back with pride. Positive affirmations can help you reframe your narrative and focus on the future.

Boundaries: It’s None of Your Business

Set boundaries for yourself. Stop "pain shopping"—that temptation to check on your ex, scroll through old messages, or stalk their social media. Protect your heart by not even looking.

This might also be the time to meet your inner child. Ask yourself: Why do I feel unsafe? What is this breakup triggering in me? Address those core fears to understand and heal deeply.

Final Takeaways: Making It Through

Detoxing from Your Ex

Healing alone is among the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Nobody talks about the work and how hard it is to do this, Instead, many people rush back into dating, using others as a way to fill the void or distract themselves from facing their wounds and taking the time to reflect and sit with your uncomfortable feelings of grief, but doing so is the purest form of healing.

Healing often feels like a detox—it’s hard, raw, and intense. You’ll know you’re truly facing the breakup when you feel the ache in your chest or wake up with a longing to reconnect. That’s a sign you’re no longer in denial of the breakup and you’re facing the present moment. And while it hurts, this confrontation with reality is essential for moving on.

If you live as though the breakup doesn’t affect you, you risk staying in denial. And denial has a way of catching up with you when you least expect it.

The Final Step in Letting Go: Moving Forward and Honouring the Love You Once Shared – A Personal Memoir

People often say to let sadness turn into anger to move on. But I’ve found that honouring the love you once had can be even more powerful.

Forgiveness—not hate—sets you free. Instead of being angry at the person who hurt you, direct that energy inward. Hold yourself accountable for how you may have reacted, not to punish yourself, but to learn and grow through it. Let this person become a part of you.

“ For me, anger at my ex didn’t serve me. Instead, I chose to love and understand the parts of him that he was battling against himself, just as much as I loved the good parts of him that he had poured into my life. By doing so, I allowed that love to become part of who I am—something I carry with me, rather than something that weighs me down. A beautiful conclusion to the journey, the final door I passed through to reach the other side. A fresh start with myself. As I embraced the next chapter and felt excitement about dating again, hope was reignited, and I realized that I had made it through. “

I hope that you can learn to do the same, and with the support of a therapist, we can work together to help you reach that place, and hope to become a meaningful part of your journey, something you'll carry with you as you navigate the end of a relationship.

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Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.