If you have ever struggled to regulate your emotions or to cope with triggers of a traumatic experience, then this article is for you as we will explore what self-soothing is and ways that you can learn how to self-soothe to can cope better when in a state of dysregulation.
What is Self-Soothing
What does it look like when self-soothing is absent? For me, it's the lifeline I've failed to grasp when I'm struggling in my healing journey, lost in a moment of overwhelming emotion. In those instances, I feel like I've let myself down, as though I'm right back at the starting point of whatever I was trying to heal from. When I'm triggered by someone or something and my reaction only worsens the situation, I'm left not just feeling broken, but also overwhelmed with shame, self-loathing, and a deep sense of lost dignity.
The hardest part isn't the initial breakdown—it's the way I criticize myself afterward, feeling weak and defeated because I let my reactions take over. If I had just sat with my emotions and allowed them to pass, I know it wouldn't have spiralled out of control. But in that moment of panic, I gave in. I broke boundaries, abandoned, or fell into such deep anxiety that I reached for anything to numb the pain—a drink, a call to an ex who I know will only distract me or make me feel worse, or an outburst directed at my kids- Or perhaps the most frightening of all is when I become completely trapped in that emotion, lying in the same position and staring into space for hours.
In those moments, self-soothing is the only remedy. It's about finding a way to comfort and calm myself, to regain control over my emotions and reactions, and to reconnect with the part of me that can handle the pain without resorting to self-destructive behaviours. It’s the only way out, the only way through, and the only way to keep myself from dwelling on the hurt, to forgive myself, and to get back up again.
Self-soothing is a tool to help regulate emotions when we are in a state of distress or dysregulation. Learning how to self-soothe is an important part of anyone's healing journey as it can help us keep calm and comforted in the face of difficult thoughts, emotions and triggers.
Understanding the Impact of Trauma on the Body: Why Self-Soothing Techniques Matter
Let’s be honest—if you’re reading this, you’ve likely gone through some kind of trauma that triggers you. But remember, you’re not alone. Trauma leaves its mark not only on the mind but also on the body. It can come from various experiences—like a betrayal by a friend, an ex leaving you for someone else, or repeated instances of being hurt by others in the past, even in childhood.
When we face trauma, our body’s natural survival mechanisms kick in. Most of us are familiar with the fight-or-flight response, where the nervous system releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, causing our heart to race, muscles to tense, and senses to heighten. But there’s another way our body responds to trauma: the freeze response.
In a freeze response, instead of confronting or fleeing from danger, our body shuts down. We might feel paralyzed, unable to move or react, as if we’re stuck in that moment of trauma. This is the body’s way of trying to protect us when it feels there’s no way to fight or escape, creating a sense of disconnection and numbness that can linger long after the traumatic event has passed.
With trauma, it can cause the body to remain in this state of high alert long after the threat has passed. This is why you instantly feel a sense of danger when your new boyfriend’s phone rings and he doesn’t check it in front of you, or when a certain family member calls during the holidays, or even when your thoughts drift and memories suddenly overwhelm you, sending you into a downward spiral. Subtle reminders of the trauma, or "triggers," can cause the body to react as if the trauma is happening all over again, keeping the cycle of stress and tension alive. Your nervous system becomes dysregulated, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, and other physical symptoms.
Self-soothing techniques are crucial for managing the body's response to trauma. When we experience trauma, our nervous system can go into overdrive, triggering that fight-or-flight, or freeze response that leaves us feeling on edge, anxious, or even panicked, and/or frozen in time. This is where practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises come into play. These techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system—the part of our body responsible for calming us down and restoring balance.
Understanding Self-Soothing: How It Connects to Our Five Senses
Self-soothing is the practice of calming and comforting yourself during moments of stress, anxiety, or emotional turmoil. It’s a way to regulate your emotions and bring yourself back to a state of balance by engaging in activities that are personally comforting.
Self-soothing works by tapping into our five senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell—which can directly influence how we feel. When we activate these senses in soothing ways, we can signal to our body and mind that it’s safe to relax.
For example, looking at calming images or nature scenes can help ease the mind, while listening to soft music or nature sounds can create a peaceful atmosphere. Touching something soft, like a cozy blanket, or indulging in a warm bath can provide physical comfort. Enjoying a favourite snack or sipping herbal tea can be soothing through taste, and smelling a familiar or calming scent like lavender can trigger a sense of calm. By intentionally engaging our senses in comforting ways, we can help ourselves relax, reduce stress, and build resilience over time.
But here’s the honest truth: sometimes, just recognizing your trigger isn’t enough. You need to understand exactly how and where you’re feeling stuck. Once you have this understanding, you can select the most effective self-soothing technique to help move the energy through your body, based on what your body needs in that moment.
In-the-Moment Self-Soothing Toolkit for Emotional or Traumatic Triggers
When you're triggered by emotional or traumatic stimuli (the trigger), finding immediate relief through your five senses can be grounding and calming. Here’s a tailored approach for each sense to help you navigate those intense moments:
5-Senses Grounding Ideas for Self-Soothing
1. Sight: Focus on a visual anchor, like a calming photo on your phone, a plant, or a favourite piece of art. Even simply looking at something familiar and comforting can reduce stress. Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful scene, visualizing every detail to create a mental escape.
2. Sound: Keep a playlist of soothing music, nature sounds, or a calming voice recording. When triggered, put on headphones and immerse yourself in these sounds. You can also hum or sing softly to regulate your breathing and redirect your mind.
3. Touch: Have a small, comforting object with you, like a smooth stone, a soft fabric, or a stress ball. When you feel overwhelmed, hold it and focus on its texture and temperature. Gently rubbing your arms or giving yourself a hug can also create a sense of safety.
4. Smell: Carry a small vial of a calming scent, like lavender or vanilla. When anxiety hits, take a slow, deep breath of the scent, focusing on how it fills your senses. Aromatherapy can quickly shift your emotional state and help ground you.
5. Taste: Have a small piece of gum, mint, or chocolate ready for moments of distress. Slowly savor it, paying attention to the flavor and texture. This mindful eating can bring you back to the present moment and distract from the intensity of your emotions.
Self-Soothing via the use of Mindful Self-Compassion
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: If you find yourself frozen, sitting or lying still without being able to move or do simple tasks like calling a friend or turning on the TV, it’s a sign that you’re in a freeze response.
Here’s how to handle it: first, tune into your awareness and recognize that you’re in this state. Acknowledge to yourself, "I’m in a freeze, and I need to get this energy moving."
Next, practice mindfulness by identifying where the emotion is stuck in your body. Offer yourself some self-compassion with soothing affirmations like, "I know this hurts”, “I miss them”, or “I didn’t deserve this." The aim here is to release the pent-up emotion. Let yourself cry, or, if you’re on your own, scream into a pillow to help move the energy through your body. This process helps you work through those intense feelings and begin to feel more grounded. Moving the energy through your body helps to release what’s keeping you frozen or stuck in that emotion.
Using these techniques in the moment can help you regain control when emotional or traumatic memories surface. Practice them regularly, so they become second nature when you need them most.
Bonus Toolkit to Self-Regulate: Understanding Your Body’s Responses- Fight/Flight vs Freeze
When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, it's crucial to recognize what our body is trying to tell us. By understanding whether we’re in a state of shutdown, activation, or immobilization, we can choose the right tools to self-regulate and restore balance. Here's a quick guide:
If You're Feeling Depressed, Numb, or Dissociated: The Freeze response.
This indicates that I’m in a “parasympathetic shutdown”. My body is conserving energy, which might make me feel disconnected or immobilized. To counter this, I need to mobilize energy by moving my body:
Recognize you’re in a “freeze state”, release the emotion through crying or screaming.
Get up and clean a room or organize a space.
Go for a walk outside, even if it’s just around the block.
Connect with someone to bring energy back into your system.
If You're Feeling Anxious, Scared, Worried, or Angry: The Fight-or Flight response
These feelings signal that I’m in sympathetic activation, also known as the fight or flight response. My body is preparing for action, and I need to release this built-up energy:
Practice somatic work to release stress through yoga, running, or breath work.
Journal about what’s on your mind or speak out loud to yourself, then call a friend.
Engage in self-talk or record your feelings to process them verbally.
Self-Soothing (see previous section on 5 senses grounding): Listen to soothing sounds, take a hot bath, put on a movie and make your favourite snack, or drink a warm cup of tea to relax.
Final Takeaway
Life can be overwhelming, especially in those moments that truly scare us. Trust me, I get it from personal experience. By tuning into these signals and taking the right steps, we can guide our bodies back to a place of balance and better manage our emotions. Self-soothing is the key to moving through and beyond those tough moments. We can self-soothe through using our 5 senses, mindful self-compassion, and through other techniques based on if we are in a fight/flight or freeze response.
Remember, taking care of yourself with these techniques is both the way out and the way through. And if it feels too daunting or overwhelming to tackle on your own, remember that therapists are here to help you get started and support you along the way.
Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services near you in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.
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