Is Your Relationship Healthy? Here are 5 Red Flags and Green Flags to Watch For

As Valentine’s Day approaches, love is in the air! It’s the time of year when we reflect on our relationships and what we truly want & need. Understanding the signs of both healthy and unhealthy relationships is crucial to ensuring we invest our time and energy into positive relationships, and not get stuck in toxic or unfulfilling ones. So let’s dive into unpacking some red and green flags to watch for in your romantic relationship. These signs can help you determine if your relationship is on the right track or whether it's time to re-evaluate.

Relationship Red Flags and Green Flags: Your Guide to a Healthy Relationship

Romantic relationships can be really tricky to navigate, especially if you haven't had many to compare with to know what works and doesn't work for you. And not to mention, if we didn't have healthy role modelling of romantic relationships growing up and perhaps had unmet needs as a child leading to insecure attachment, we may have an even harder time developing healthy relationships skills and not standing for unhealthy behaviours displayed by our partners.

So if you're new to dating and need some guidance or wondering if your current relationship is healthy and strong, then this article is for you! Let's get into 5 relationship green flags and red flags.

Relationship Green Flags

1. Healthy Communication

Healthy relationships thrive on communication! Being able to openly express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or consequences is a major green flag.

Communication should be transparent, honest, and non-confrontational. It’s not just about sharing the good stuff; it’s about being able to talk through the difficult conversations too. Whether you’re discussing your needs, frustrations, or future plans, an open and non-judgmental conversation helps strengthen your connection. If you feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities and discussing issues openly, then you’re likely in a relationship built on healthy communication and emotional safety.

2. Boundaries & Independence

Boundaries are a vital part of any healthy, balanced relationship! They encourage independence by creating space between your own wants and needs, and those of others. This space allows both partners to recharge and grow, which ultimately benefits the relationship and prevents codependent behaviours.

While time together is important in a romantic relationship, so is maintaining your individuality. Healthy relationships allow both partners to pursue their personal interests and spend time apart without causing insecurity. If your partner encourages you to maintain friendships, hobbies, and personal goals, it’s a green flag that they value your independence and want you to be your best self. A partner who supports your need for independence demonstrates confidence in the relationship and respects your personal boundaries.

3. Respect

Respect is fundamental in any healthy relationship! It’s not about always agreeing with your partner, but about honouring their opinions, boundaries, and values. Signs of mutual respect include when partners listen to each other, acknowledge their differences, and support one another’s individual growth. When a relationship consists of mutual respect, disagreements are handled considerately, with each person’s feelings taken into account.

Partners work toward finding common ground, making decisions together, and valuing one another’s perspectives. This respect facilitates trust and emotional safety, allowing both partners to be themselves, while also treating the relationship as a sacred unit.

4. Emotional Support and Empathy

Emotional support is essential in a romantic relationship! A partner who provides comfort, encouragement, and understanding during both highs and lows is invaluable. It’s one thing to enjoy happy moments together, but it’s another to have someone who is there for you when life gets tough.

Empathy involves understanding and sharing in each other’s feelings and is a core component of emotional support. If you and your partner can validate each other’s emotions and provide comfort in times of stress or sadness, it’s a strong sign of a healthy and loving relationship. You’re not just partners in good times, but also a support system for each other during difficult moments.

5. Shared Values and Goals

While it’s important for couples to have some differences, sharing core values and long-term goals can create a strong foundation for the relationship. Whether it’s ideas about family, career or ways of life, having shared values means that you and your partner are moving in the same direction.

A couple with similar values can make important life decisions more easily. You’re likely to support each other in pursuing individual goals while also working toward collective desires. Shared values mean you’re both committed to growing together as a team, even when faced with challenges, and can build and maintain a strong foundation to live life from.

Relationship Red Flags

1. Unhealthy Communication 

Disagreements are part of every relationship. What matters is how they are handled. Some red flags to watch out for in conversations are what relationship expert, John Gottman, refers to as the “Four Horsemen”, listed below. These four qualities are known to produce hostile communication:

1. Criticism: Does your partner focus on your flaws only, as opposed to what each of you could change? Do they use language like "you always, you never" when raising complaints? Do you feel like their criticisms are personal attacks on your character?

   
   

2. Defensiveness: Does your partner make excuses for their mistakes and behaviours, shift blame onto you or refuse to accept feedback? Do they tend to avoid apologies and instead play the victim when confronted with issues?

   
   

3. Contempt: Does your partner use insults, putdowns, a sarcastic tone or act superior in the relationship? Do they roll their eyes or scoff at you, effectively dismissing your needs or point of view?

   
   

4. Stonewalling: Does your partner avoid difficult discussions by emotionally withdrawing, shutting down or going silent? Are conflicts often "swept under the rug" because the conversation is never revisited, offering an opportunity for repair or resolution?

   
   

These behaviours can lead to resentment, miscommunication, hostility and emotional distance. If you notice any of these qualities, it is important to address them as soon as possible as they are predictors of divorce or separation. But don't worry- they fixable with intentional effort! You can learn about the antidotes to the 4 Horseman here.

2. Controlling Behaviour

One of the biggest red flags in a relationship is controlling behaviour. This may involve a partner dictating what you wear, who you spend time with, what you do, or how you spend your money. A controlling partner may try to isolate you from friends or family, pressure you into doing things you’re not comfortable with, or constantly monitor your actions. If you notice your partner is trying to control or manipulate you, it is a major red flag that must be addressed.

And remember, always trust your gut instincts! If something feels off, it probably is. But unfortunately, repeated controlling behaviour and gaslighting, can lead to self-doubt and making excuses for the partner's controlling behaviour so it's important to catch this red flag early in the relationship and leave.

3. Lack of Trust or Jealousy

Trust is essential in any romantic relationship. If you or your partner regularly feel suspicious of each other’s actions, it can damage the relationship. Constant questioning of where you’ve been, who you’re with, or who you’re talking to can lead to an unhealthy dynamic and dissolve trust.

A lack of trust often stems from insecurity, past trauma, or unhealthy attachment. If you find yourself or your partner engaging in behaviours such as spying, controlling, or doubting each other’s honesty without reason, it’s important to address the issue before it escalates.

4. Dishonesty or Lack of Transparency

Honesty is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. If you or your partner consistently hide things from each other, lie about situations, or withhold important information, it breaks trust. Dishonesty can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unease in the relationship.

If you find that you or your partner are unable to be open and transparent about your thoughts, feelings, or actions, it’s a major red flag. It is important to be truthful in relationships, even when it is difficult or uncomfortable.

With that said, it's important to be fully honest and authentic with whomever you are dating right from the start. We know it can be scary to show your true self to someone (hello, vulnerability!), but how can you expect to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship if its formed on filtered versions of the truth? If someone doesn't love you for you, then they aren't the one!

5. Emotional or Physical Abuse

Abuse, whether emotional or physical, is a non-negotiable red flag. Abusive behaviour can take many forms including insults, manipulation, gaslighting, controlling behaviour, and physical violence. No one deserves to be mistreated or abused in any form. If you experience or witness any form of abuse, it’s crucial to seek help immediately. Any abuse is not a part of a healthy relationship, and it can have long-lasting effects on your mental and physical health.

The Takeaway: Navigating Love with Awareness

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful occasion to celebrate love, but it’s also a great reminder to assess the health of your romantic relationships. Whether you’re in a committed partnership or just beginning to explore a new connection, knowing what to look for can help foster a healthy, loving relationship.

Green flags such as healthy communication, independence, respect, emotional support and shared values help create a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. On the flip side, relationship red flags such as unhealthy communication, controlling behaviour, a lack of trust, dishonesty and abuse can lead to toxic dynamics and harm. If you notice any red flags in your relationship, it’s important to address them early and seek guidance if needed. Our therapists are here to help! One of our couples therapists would be happy to assist you on this journey.

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Our team of online and in-person counsellors and psychotherapists in Barrie provide quality and effective mental health counselling services near you in Barrie and virtually across Ontario to individuals (6+), couples and families. We also offer an Affordable Therapy Program that provides counselling services in Barrie to individuals (12+) who are facing financial challenges that need mental health support.